Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
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I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.