Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Y’all know who you are.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
rise and shine we got egg
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?