Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
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I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.