If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
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As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
LMAO
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you