My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
yeah no that’s fair
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
my dad when a sex scene comes on
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Muppet Screams
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?