[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
You Might Also Like
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies