My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
nyc:
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
what’s really going on
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
All generalizations are stupid.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?