My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
Merry Christmas
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off