Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE