my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
This sounds bad:
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!