[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
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My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
going to the ER y’all need anything
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.