team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
You Might Also Like
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.