(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
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went fishing caught a bass
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.