My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
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Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes