Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”