No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car