My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I know karate and tons of other words.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Britain be like
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs