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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Finally, an explanation.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.