When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.