I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
How about daylight saves us for once
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?