Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
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‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side