I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.