[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.