{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
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Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“you changed” bro i was 15
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy