The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
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*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
😂💯
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened