Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
grotesque if literal: baby food