Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
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Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
He just like my cat fr
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.