I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
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My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Why am I like this?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense