#gardening
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?