My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You Might Also Like
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it