I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
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My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
tourist season
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”