They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
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It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”