I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
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*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
how to exercise your calf muscles
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!