I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.