People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
These work great until they don’t.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
😩😩😩
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!