Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
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18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there