Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
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My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes