My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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All set.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
it’s the silliest best thing
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.