My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
“You’d better run, egg!”
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.