You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
You Might Also Like
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home