ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face