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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.