I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
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Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?