My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
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ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.