devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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incredible
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]