Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
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I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
So sick of all these stupid rules
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.