I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here