[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]