I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
#NeverForget
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station