Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The Joker was right
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
The old gods are rising again.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
May have had one breakfast too many
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult